So, You Like Self-Torture and Feel Ready to Take On a Cleanse Diet? Some Advice…

Because when it comes to a cleanse, the devil is in the details.

No doubt, you’ve heard those two dirty little words which conjure up images of funky colored juice and dinner plates full of two or three veggies. You know what I’m talking about… Cleanse Diet!

Maybe I’ve jumped to conclusions, because the concept clearly doesn’t make everyone cringe, cower, and hide. Cleanse diets are popular in today’s health-focused world. And many simply associate the word cleanse with a fresh and healthy start. (Or… let’s be honest here ladies… slightly looser fitting pants!) With that, let me say that I (at least on my braver days) fit into the latter category.

In the past year, I’ve tried not one, but four cleanse diets. (What was I thinking!) Call me what you will for it… crazy, deranged, more than a little vain. I can take it. And the best part is that I’ve survived to share my experiences with you and help you decide if a cleanse diet is right for you.

Cleanse #1 = Sakara Life 10-Day Reset

First off, let me say that this cleanse was far and wide my favorite. And I say that despite the fact that it was pricey and more than a little time-consuming. So, let me explain why it’s worth the extra dollars and effort.

When it’s over you will feel f***ing fantastic… Really!

More specifically… my skin looked better than it had since I was a newborn! (Errr… that was more than four decades ago.) Then there was the (quite frankly) amazing energy boost. I entered power drive mode after months of wondering, “Why am I so fricking tired?”

And I just felt lighter… Maybe because I was! I lost six pounds. That may not sound like a ton. But I’m a whopping 5’2’ inches and was clocking in at about 113 lbs. prior to starting the reset. So, it’s pretty, darned good, even if a couple of those shed pounds were just water.

On the flip side, the reset box cost $195, but I did apply a coupon for 25% off. The box contains 20+ exclusive recipes, beauty water drops, detox water drops, probiotic vitamins, detox bars, energy bars, organic protein + greens super powder, and detox tea. Still, it’s important to note that you will have to shop for groceries, an additional expense on top of that $195. And as well, you do have to cook. And for those, like me, who aren’t seasoned chefs, cooking takes time and planning.

Sakara does offer pre-cooked meal programs, but I’m going to spare you from sticker shock on that one right now. If interested, you can find out more on the company website.

Overall, I give the Sakara Life 10-day reset an A. And if I didn’t have to grocery shop and cook and spend some serious cash, I’d give it an A+.

Cleanse #2 = Squeezed Juice Cleanse

Short description here because… surprise! … I didn’t last long on this one.

You can choose how long you’d like to do this cleanse with options ranging from one to seven days. The website explains all the benefits you achieve based on just how long you’d like to torture yourself. To be honest, I can’t remember if I went with the four or five-day plan. (After all, we tend to want to erase our trauma.) At any rate, it doesn’t matter because I only lasted two days… or maybe it was one and a half.

To be fair, I tried this cleanse when battling a nasty cold. I do not advise this strategy, nor do I think that your doctor would recommend it. I had ordered the juices prior to realizing I had the cold, and I was slightly worried that they’d go bad before I felt better. Then I convinced myself that I might combat the cold a little faster if I was existing solely on a health supply of juice. Wrong again! If anything, I felt worse. So, I ditched the cleanse and devoured chicken soup as those beautiful juices turned sour in my fridge.

Those who survive this cleanse supposedly see skin benefits and kick cravings and food addictions to the curb. But I can’t attest to that and am not about to try it again any time soon. It’s just not for me. For those reasons, I’m going to pass on grading it.

Cleanse #3 = Owl Venice

Boy oh boy… what was I thinking!

I discovered this cleanse while surfing Facebook. To be honest, I wish the app had crashed before I caught onto this wave.

So, why in the heck did I do this? I have a doctor friend who has suggested for years that I might have leaky gut. And I never liked to hear it because the term just sounds so gross. She told me the best way to heal a leaky gut is with… brace yourself… bone broth — another disgusting concept in my opinion. That was strike two because, though I’m not a vegetarian, I really don’t like or eat much meat. And the words ‘bone broth’ kind of make my stomach quiver (leaky or not).

But then Owl Venice introduced itself in my FB feed advertising a delicious and tasty bone broth cleanse that even offered… get this… vegan broths 😊 And the images of the brothy shakes kind of made my mouth water with their tantalizing shades of gold and plum.

Now for the negatives. Surprise! Those shakes don’t taste nearly as good as they look. It is sort of like drinking a colonoscopy prep drink… You think you have to drink the whole shake to achieve the ‘benefits’ so you just keep going until you feel bloated and ready to pop.

After the second day, I was toast. And I was craving toast or really anything that had a little substance. So, I added some whole foods, which is allowed, but those foods include bananas, sweet potatoes, and beats… in other words, mushy stuff.

That brings me to another downside, the directions for this cleanse weren’t all that clear. I think I was allowed to eat those foods, but, honestly, who knows.

And dang… I just looked at the price of this little gig because I couldn’t remember… Again, we do like to block out traumatic events! This cleanse cost $270. I did stick it out with that price tag as my support team. I just couldn’t waste that much money.

So, would I do it again? Nope. Nope… and, oh yeah, just so you know… Nope! I’d have to give this one a D+.

Cleanse #4 = ProLon MD

You know… I really do need to stop going on Facebook, because Prolon MD was another regrettable FB find. I’m a sucker for advertising and consumer reviews, and this was the ‘latest cleanse sweeping Hollywood.’ All those celebrities just couldn’t wait to do it a second time.

Here’s what the website says: “The ProLon Fasting Mimicking Diet® (FMD) can transform you and bring about real healthy change, both inside and out. You can lose weight and belly fat, rejuvenate your cells to support healthy aging, and kickstart healthy eating habits*.

It just sounds so beautiful and promising! I had to try it.

However, I experienced all the standard cleanse symptoms like bloating, headaches, and oh yeah… lots and lots of grumpiness. Let me emphasize that… I was a raving b**tch by day three. And day four was another ugly one. By day five, I was too tired to be a jerk to anyone, thankfully.

Also, it’s expensive just like the rest, but you probably already guessed that.

On the upside, I did lose some weight. And the ‘food’ on this cleanse really is decent. (Though it’s not good enough to want to eat more than two days in a row.) Let’s just say it wasn’t nearly as good as that first piece of chocolate I ate post-cleanse!

Also, I quickly fell ill post-cleanse. So, I can’t really tell you if the cleanse made me feel amazing. Needless to say… I am a one and done with this one as well. Still, it deserves a B.

So, there you have it. And I promise… I’m not typically so negative. I just don’t think a cleanse diet that involves anything other than real, whole food is something that works for me.

Am I done with cleansing? Heck no! But I’m going to stick with the vegan style cleanse. Next up… Your Super. Or any amazing cleanse diet that you’ve tried? Please do share.